Thursday, May 6, 2010


Sitting at the window seat of the 5:14 slow andheri local, I was engrossed reading Two States by Chetan Bhagat when suddenly I smelled something familiar. No, it was not the expected stinky smell of fish, nor was it some sweaty armpits smell that is very common in local trains. It was something that made me divert my attention from Ananya and Krish's love saga (the central characters of the book I was reading) and I immediately lifted my head to see around. Though my sixth sense is cheating me these days , I was happy to realize that my 5basic senses were perfectly sharp and normal. I realized that it was the deoderant the teenaged girl who boarded the train from borivali was wearing(thanks to my olfactory lobes)that distracted me. It was 'Blue Lady' the deoderant that I used to once use when I was a teenager myself since it was economical and using a deo was a fad and not to metion a feel good factor for teenaged normal girls like me five years ago.
I was pushed to flashback. Scanning through the various events of that time my brain or should I say heart, stopped at the Lonavala camp that I had been to five years ago. I was allowed to go for an overnight trip for the first time in my life(and till date the last time). It was then that I had purchased this deoderant apart from other things in my 'to buy' list. Then, I was a very simple girl who was excited as hell to go for this 10day camp and I had lots of fun too. We had to cook, learn some crap that I dont even remember and the best part that was enjoyed the most was the evening time(dusk) when we all used to sit outside in an open lawn with no electricity and narrate ghost stories. We used to go for night walks afer dinner and used to laugh our hearts out. It was there that I learnt the art of breaking the rules- since non veg was not allowed, we used to get eggs and at times even chicken and relish it secretely after everybody else slept. We laughed, got punished, in short ENJOYED that period.
Time passes by and we forget many things. But suddenly some small things get back a clear vivd picture of the past. My mind started wandering at the times when I and my bunch of friends would hang around whole day without money in a pair of loose dirty jeans, cotton t-shirts and a pair of floaters and used to get drenched in the rains enjoing vada pav- the staple food of most of the collegiates. I started rejoicing the times when we used to bunk lectures and hang out at 'casadella' - our favourite joint that offered the best pizzas that we used to share since we could not afford to fulfill our appetites with those mouth watering pizzas.
Suddenly I found myself back to reality standing at the doorway of the same train waiting for the train to halt so that I could get down and get going. No sooner did the train arrive than did I find my self walking with long strides in a blue checks shirt and a pair of dark blue denims(unlike before this time better fitted) towards the bridge and getting lost in the maddening Mumbai crowd. I could not help wonder as to how did I change so much and did not even realize. Once a shy girl who was lost in her own dream world is now out of her cocoon. The girl who never travelled in a local train all her life, now suddenly is a pro at train travelling. Getting down from the train I was rushing to get out of the station to find a rickshaw(getting a rickshaw to office is a task in itself!). But I was not just walking, I was making a mental note of the tasks to be completed at office besides racing through 100 odd commuters climbing the platform; mentally designing the dress that I have to wear for my friend's wedding next week and thinking about ways to invest my salary and save tax(dont know when did I start thinking lik an adult!).
Times change and I wonder if our prefrences change too? Even after investing a huge moolah in getting my hair straightened (to be a part of the crowd), changing my sense of dressing(though many dont agree), giving importance to girly rituals like eyebrows etc.etc. I marvel at the fact that the things that make me happy have not changed. Being independent (that I was craving and struggling for all these years), I thought I would enjoy shopping and spending on materialistic things, but it is the other way round. Even today its the wind hitting against my face when I stand at the doorway of the train that soothes my senses, the way the hush of the strong breeze that flirts with my hair gives me immense happiness. Its the sight of the western Express Highway ignited with a string of yellow lights at 4 in the morning that lights up my soul , its the wait for the rains that gives me a ray of hope in this scorching heat. Even today, inspite of changing my physical appearance(thanks to the regular and painful visits to the parlours for eyebrows and other basic girly rituals), financial status, and changed qualification(read- post graduate) I still yearn for the rains and not some designer accessory.
Sitting up at 4:30 am and writing this write up makes me realize how incomplete I feel! People may say I am being unthankful but that is not true. The truth is we run after materialistic pleasures without realizing un materialistic wants(pun unintended). All I wish to do is go away to an isolated place(beach) for a day or two all alone and just romance with the sunrays, dance with the waves, let my hair down and just be MYSELF that is dying inside somewhere craving to be let out. All that comes to my mind at 4:30 am and does not let me sleep is that how desperately I need...... but what it is I am still not sure of.... I guess what I need is SOLITUDE, is it???

Saturday, May 1, 2010

An (un)fairy tale!

Why is it that real life stories have a fairy tale start but seldom do they have a happy fairy tale ending? Don't know how will this story end or has it ended already? She comes across as a tough, rigid, strong and confident girl who knows what she wants in life and how. She appears as the one who is just not interested in relationships. Many say she has a 'commitment phobia' but that was untill she met him. Let us describe 'him' later.

Lets first visualize her. With kohl smeared eyes, dark coloured boring T-shirts, messy hair and to complement all this, a manly gait giving a loud and clear signal 'Dare to even think of messing with me and baby a strong kick between you legs is what you get !' The reason for this attitude is best known to her. But, honestly with a rebellious attitude like that, which sane , normal, straight guy would care to even look once at a girl who is nothing but a personified example of a man trapped in a woman's body?

Then, one day she sees this guy, who, as per public standards is not very tall, very dark (okay dark), not very handsome, does not embody the best facial features but when she saw him ,the twinkle of his eyes made something inside her churn. Suddenly she realized that something strange had happened. She was attracted towards him, his husky voice made her go weak in the knees, she did not know why and how. And what happened next was a series of events- expected or unexpected that changed everything- for good or bad, for right or wrong, no one knows.

One thing led to another. They started liking each other's presence. She enjoyed his mere presence, was intimidaed by his smile, his eyes, okay lets cut the long story short- she was in love with him. She found him to be the most handsome man on this 'Planet'(may be the kohl she applied to her eyes for ages caused some defect to her eyesight!). As expected, his presence made her shed her 'angry and tough girl image'. She started dressing up in a salwar kameez every once in a while(though she was extremely uncomfortable in it and cursed herself from within sometimes).He told her things that she never heard and made her believe that even she was beautiful and prettier than she had thought(how can girls fall for that crap?). They were two imperfect individuals who were perfect for each other. She was in the happiest phase of her life.The rebel who was stubborn was now a tame animal for him. She did not mind changing herself for him (and she did that out of her own will!). She started thinking about how could she improve herself that would mak him happy(she never did that to even please her teachers or parents or friends).

But then, the typical male aura overcaptured his senses and it was realization time for him. Suddenly something wrong happened with him- was it the fear, the insecurity or the fact that he did not find her important or interesting anymore that made him act in a strange manner? I would like to believe it was the male ego that overpowered his senses. He started ignoring her for reasons best known to him. He did not even care to give an explanation and she feared to demand one(fear???? the word did not even appear in her dictionary once!). She kept coaxing herself that all would be fine(inspired by the infamous 'all is well' dialogue, blame it to the hindi movies!). She kept messaging him, hoping that he would reply back- though deep inside she knew it and we all know it too- he did not reply back(male chauvinistic pig!).

Now, all she was left with was- the new girly wardrobe that she had got just to impress him and make him fall deeply, madly truly in love with her(Love- the word she once hated and dreaded as if it was more dangerous than herpes). She still laughed her jolly best in an attempt to hide her grief, sorrow and pain. She dreaded being alone for, being alone meant thinking about the times they shared and that would make her weep. She started hating weekends as all she had to do on weekends was eat, stare at the screen of her computer and secretly wish he would call(though he never did).

And now she fears going back to her past self- dark, rigid and strong(in short - pretentious) because if she returns this time,she would never come back again not for him , not for anybody.

Is it too difficult to understand that she is a normal girl with normal feelings(feelings it is!)? She too likes to be treated, she too loves roses and orchids(though she claims otherwise). All she is craving for is care, love, to cuddle up with her man when she wakes up in the morning, arms that wrap around her, a kiss on her forehead that confirms' I am there for you' and she is ready to give in all that it takes to make a relationship work.

Her heart aches when she sees other couples walking hand in hand, exchanging sweet nothings.
Kudos to the guy who had the potential, the strength and the heart to break this strong and confident girl into pieces, to first make her go weak in her knees and then leave her confused and weak hearted. He has transormed her- from "an Extrovert Loner" to a "Loner"..........