Casual Casualties

A lazy sunday evening, I sit in the favorite corner of my nest glued on to my laptop doing nothing but crowded with a thousand thoughts none of which make sense to me at least for now.What is it that a 20 something female wants, thinks or desires? The question is not new to me or to any female in the metro; be it a sweet girl next door going grocery shopping, the retro chick lost in her world enjoying the thumping music screaming out of the earphones or the uber cool dame dreamimg about her Oh- so- perfect wedding and honeymoon with her supposedly loyal, oops royal prince charming or the career oriented perfectionist(who might be just the opposite in her personal life)- what is that one thing that binds all of us in a common emotional thread?

All our lives we strive to get things right so that sometime in the future we have a perfectly happy life. In the wake of finding perfect happiness we keep ignoring the not-so-perfect but surely mesmerizing moments in life. Thanks to the bollywood movies of the nineties our illusions of having a perfect life only become stronger. Only if we were exposed to the realistic movies and shown the ugly truth, would our expectations be more realistic? If you have a good job you mull over your personal life, if you are committed and your cuppycake cutie pie stands up to your expectations you curse your boss for not letting you leave office on time on a friday evening let alone leaving early.Single girls like us have a lot to sulk about. No, most of us do not have the courage to be in a stable relationship (the environment around us gives us enough reasons to stay away from getting in to a relation).

There are new words in our dictionary today - sexting (exchanging sexual text messages), F!@# buddies, one night stands (okay this one is an old one) and the one I loathe the most -REBOUND; what has not changed is the fact that all these words can't fill the void created due to lack of that one special feeling. We have started coming out of the closet and declaring "I don't love you but I am attracted towards you physically" and the feeling is mutual. We dive in to this pool of new age casual relationships only to realize that it is the physical hunger that satiates but the emotional thirst keeps us parching. The irony is that in this bustling city life one thing that binds us is loneliness.

It all sounds music to the ear and fun initially but you soon realize that it is not fun and distraction that we want. We only become lonelier.

We might be capable of taking risks and giving casual relations a shot but are we prepared for the serious caualties that come with them as a free gift? We might be open to experimenting but are we pain proof to carry on this experiment? A week or may be a fortnight in to it and we start expecting booty calls to turn in to late night emotional bonding while our counterparts of the opposite sex still mantain their ground of lusting for us and not loving us. They are biologically programmed to remain in a state of inertia for longer than us. The truth is it is physical loneliness for them but it is emotional loneliness bubble wrapped in physical loneliness for us. That is where we falter, end up getting more hurt, becoming lonelier and we ourselves are to be blamed for this. We secretely hope our casual relations to shape into something serious, longterm or even lifeterm.

It is time to realize that we are priviliged to distract ourselves by better things: Shop for shoes and bags (cliched but true), visit a spa, read Durjoy Datta books (amazing stuff), go for a walk all by yourself, go out with your girlfriends (if you have any), and if nothing works then post interesting status messages on facebook (do not bother about what people say).

Just when I wonder how to end this write up my savior calls to check how I am doing(he guessed my plan to hang out with my girl friends did not materialize). A little pep talk with him and my spirits go high. He is one killer who can kill all negativity around you. Sometimes a little message from somebody, nobody who knows anybody is enough to hit a high note. How I wish this chap was gay! Anyways all you girls just chill and feel good there are good times coming our way (for how long they are to stay I am unsure , fingers crossed).

PS: Go out paint the town red, wear your heart on your sleeve but DO NOT let yourself to be hurt, we are yet to master the rules of their game(read enjoyment without attachment), as for me I am happy painting my nails red :)

Sound Of Solitude

The sound of solitude the most scares me,
Pinches and hurts me painfully.
I hear the sounds most intricate,
of times strong of moments delicate.

The long lost memories haunt my soul,
they question my very being, they question my role.

The wailing walls invite me near,
I am bundled with nothing but fear.
The light bulb hangs from the ceiling,
glares at me with eyes piercing;
Scolding for mistakes I made but revealed never,
reminding me that I aint any clever.

I go back to times when I was naive,
and thought I could face the world brave.
Treated the world at my feet,
believed that me none could cheat.

Walked away my teens with ease and poise,
turned a deaf ear to every warning noise.

Wore my heart on my sleeve,
the hearts of my near ones I would often cleave.
My world was painted with illusion,
Wrong was made every conclusion.

Here I sit now lonely and alone,
for me the voices of walls mourn.

After a million mistakes,
I am now wide awake,
sitting with eyes open and a heavy head,
sleepless is my once cozy bed.

I try to seek happiness in joys of others,
but its jealousy that my heart nurtures.
I was the one with happiness filled,
did'nt realize how and when it all got killed.

I am strong, blunt and filled with strange attitude,
I just talk to my solitude;
that shows me the true picture,
I am sure none can this rupture.

Filled is my empty room with sounds unheard,
to me it makes sense, to the world though absurd.

Go Girls!

Some for parents, some for lovers,
Some about rains, some about flowers;
Some make you laugh, some make you cry,
Some pep you up to give another try.

This one ain't any of it though,
it's for all types of girls one might know.

It's for the pinky peep and the brainy geek,
for the one with innocent charm or feelings deep.

If you are smart, strong or sexy,
or just a carefree lass with hair messy;
if you are fair, dark or dusky,
with a voice sugar sweet or seductively husky;
then its time yourself you pamper,
and boys! you all too can read, no need to scamper.

We may be blunt and speak our mind,
but when he arrives, words are hard to find.
When us he praises (fake or true),
We all feel Oh so beautifully new!
The rule says "first the man must talk",
and "Let him ask us out for a walk".

We wait for him for a move to make,
with bated breath we await,
as though our life is at stake.

Fab or fat,
with a veil or a hat;
for the stars let's all shoot,
to the rules let's not give it a hoot.

Pull up your socks,
let lose your locks;
Don't hesitate to kiss and tell,
don't be afraid to ring the bell.

Go girls and call the shots,
I bet you will cherish lots.

Tell him how you feel,
if it's worth, on your knees you can kneel;
Talk about his cute butt,
trust me you won't sound like a slut.
Tell him you love his eyes,
tell him you hate goodbyes.
tell him you want him more,
wake up girls, and come to the fore.

Praise him for his gait,
now its us who will rate,
a man's eyes, lips and assets hidden;
some obvious some forbidden.

Let him know if he is a deserving guy,
this isn't the age to feel shy.
Break the barriers,come out loud,
make yourself happy and proud.

It is time to take the lead,
make a move after you read.
Don't feel guilty, don't feel bad,
their share of fun they have had;
Here we come to laugh and enjoy;
Sorry boys! none we mean to annoy.

A hand to hold

A hand to hold, a shoulder to lean,
a heart for whom the world I mean.
A kiss on the cheek, a hug tight,
a little love filled fight.
To wake up in his arms strong,
to know that with him on my side, nothing can be wrong.

On the beach, a walk long,
just the two of us, away from the throng;
walking barefoot on the sand,
under the moonlight talking hand in hand.

A cozy home built on trust,
Each of us will a little adjust.
A declaration to the world,
That to him I belong;
And he is willing to be by my side for lifelong.

A beauty sleep with him by my side,
a true relation with nothing to hide.
White curtains and maroon quilts,
a potted flower that never wilts.

Asking for stars is easier though,
but ,asking for all this gives me a “no show”.
All the heart demands is this dream life,
But all I get is a wound unseen, worse than that stabbed by a knife.
Know not I where to head,
thorns are more than roses on my bed…..

Replenishing Rains

Just a shower from the sky,
changes things far and by;
moods change when the breeze blows,
desires surface to be held tight and close.

As she steps her feet into the muddly puddles,
back she runs into childhood with memories muddle;
when her mother patted her dry,
to her mum, she could never lie,
it was the hug warm,
that was always there to inform,
that she was safe and secure,
cause mother was there for this to ensure.

But today as she walks in the rain,
the feeling is not the same;
the rains wash away her tears,
and open new frontiers.

As the water wets her hair,
it's a sense she can't share,
ignite the droplets, her shoulders bare,
she feels the touch and sees the stare,
of someone absent as of now,
but he shall come, not sure when and how.

She feels him holding her waist,
she starts breathing, now in haste.
Through her back, the droplets trickle,
the stars of her anklet, in the dark twinkle.
The strong breeze blows her lilac dress,
as though, her body it tries to caress.
Under the dark sky she stands,
covered is her neck with the wet strands.
Shivers she feels on her nape,
she wishes the moment to never escape.

Without a lover, loved she feels,
all this she always conceals.
Rains cover up for her grief,
pep her up for a time brief.

She is happy, she is jolly,
the world may find her deeds folly;
but she cares not about anyone,
with rains she loves to have fun.
She shall laugh till the season ends,
then she shall go back to the world of pretends.

Can change her world only the rains,
they are her lucky charm, that take away her pains.
For her, it is a season lucky,
that brings out her inner beauty.

Thankful is she to the colurless drops,
that ensure she is more than a living corpse....

SOLITUDE?

Sitting at the window seat of the 5:14 slow andheri local, I was engrossed reading Two States by Chetan Bhagat when suddenly I smelled something familiar. No, it was not the expected stinky smell of fish, nor was it some sweaty armpits smell that is very common in local trains. It was something that made me divert my attention from Ananya and Krish's love saga (the central characters of the book I was reading) and I immediately lifted my head to see around. Though my sixth sense is cheating me these days , I was happy to realize that my 5basic senses were perfectly sharp and normal. I realized that it was the deoderant the teenaged girl who boarded the train from borivali was wearing(thanks to my olfactory lobes)that distracted me. It was 'Blue Lady' the deoderant that I used to once use when I was a teenager myself since it was economical and using a deo was a fad and not to metion a feel good factor for teenaged normal girls like me five years ago.
I was pushed to flashback. Scanning through the various events of that time my brain or should I say heart, stopped at the Lonavala camp that I had been to five years ago. I was allowed to go for an overnight trip for the first time in my life(and till date the last time). It was then that I had purchased this deoderant apart from other things in my 'to buy' list. Then, I was a very simple girl who was excited as hell to go for this 10day camp and I had lots of fun too. We had to cook, learn some crap that I dont even remember and the best part that was enjoyed the most was the evening time(dusk) when we all used to sit outside in an open lawn with no electricity and narrate ghost stories. We used to go for night walks afer dinner and used to laugh our hearts out. It was there that I learnt the art of breaking the rules- since non veg was not allowed, we used to get eggs and at times even chicken and relish it secretely after everybody else slept. We laughed, got punished, in short ENJOYED that period.
Time passes by and we forget many things. But suddenly some small things get back a clear vivd picture of the past. My mind started wandering at the times when I and my bunch of friends would hang around whole day without money in a pair of loose dirty jeans, cotton t-shirts and a pair of floaters and used to get drenched in the rains enjoing vada pav- the staple food of most of the collegiates. I started rejoicing the times when we used to bunk lectures and hang out at 'casadella' - our favourite joint that offered the best pizzas that we used to share since we could not afford to fulfill our appetites with those mouth watering pizzas.
Suddenly I found myself back to reality standing at the doorway of the same train waiting for the train to halt so that I could get down and get going. No sooner did the train arrive than did I find my self walking with long strides in a blue checks shirt and a pair of dark blue denims(unlike before this time better fitted) towards the bridge and getting lost in the maddening Mumbai crowd. I could not help wonder as to how did I change so much and did not even realize. Once a shy girl who was lost in her own dream world is now out of her cocoon. The girl who never travelled in a local train all her life, now suddenly is a pro at train travelling. Getting down from the train I was rushing to get out of the station to find a rickshaw(getting a rickshaw to office is a task in itself!). But I was not just walking, I was making a mental note of the tasks to be completed at office besides racing through 100 odd commuters climbing the platform; mentally designing the dress that I have to wear for my friend's wedding next week and thinking about ways to invest my salary and save tax(dont know when did I start thinking lik an adult!).
Times change and I wonder if our prefrences change too? Even after investing a huge moolah in getting my hair straightened (to be a part of the crowd), changing my sense of dressing(though many dont agree), giving importance to girly rituals like eyebrows etc.etc. I marvel at the fact that the things that make me happy have not changed. Being independent (that I was craving and struggling for all these years), I thought I would enjoy shopping and spending on materialistic things, but it is the other way round. Even today its the wind hitting against my face when I stand at the doorway of the train that soothes my senses, the way the hush of the strong breeze that flirts with my hair gives me immense happiness. Its the sight of the western Express Highway ignited with a string of yellow lights at 4 in the morning that lights up my soul , its the wait for the rains that gives me a ray of hope in this scorching heat. Even today, inspite of changing my physical appearance(thanks to the regular and painful visits to the parlours for eyebrows and other basic girly rituals), financial status, and changed qualification(read- post graduate) I still yearn for the rains and not some designer accessory.
Sitting up at 4:30 am and writing this write up makes me realize how incomplete I feel! People may say I am being unthankful but that is not true. The truth is we run after materialistic pleasures without realizing un materialistic wants(pun unintended). All I wish to do is go away to an isolated place(beach) for a day or two all alone and just romance with the sunrays, dance with the waves, let my hair down and just be MYSELF that is dying inside somewhere craving to be let out. All that comes to my mind at 4:30 am and does not let me sleep is that how desperately I need...... but what it is I am still not sure of.... I guess what I need is SOLITUDE, is it???

An (un)fairy tale!

Why is it that real life stories have a fairy tale start but seldom do they have a happy fairy tale ending? Don't know how will this story end or has it ended already? She comes across as a tough, rigid, strong and confident girl who knows what she wants in life and how. She appears as the one who is just not interested in relationships. Many say she has a 'commitment phobia' but that was untill she met him. Let us describe 'him' later.

Lets first visualize her. With kohl smeared eyes, dark coloured boring T-shirts, messy hair and to complement all this, a manly gait giving a loud and clear signal 'Dare to even think of messing with me and baby a strong kick between you legs is what you get !' The reason for this attitude is best known to her. But, honestly with a rebellious attitude like that, which sane , normal, straight guy would care to even look once at a girl who is nothing but a personified example of a man trapped in a woman's body?

Then, one day she sees this guy, who, as per public standards is not very tall, very dark (okay dark), not very handsome, does not embody the best facial features but when she saw him ,the twinkle of his eyes made something inside her churn. Suddenly she realized that something strange had happened. She was attracted towards him, his husky voice made her go weak in the knees, she did not know why and how. And what happened next was a series of events- expected or unexpected that changed everything- for good or bad, for right or wrong, no one knows.

One thing led to another. They started liking each other's presence. She enjoyed his mere presence, was intimidaed by his smile, his eyes, okay lets cut the long story short- she was in love with him. She found him to be the most handsome man on this 'Planet'(may be the kohl she applied to her eyes for ages caused some defect to her eyesight!). As expected, his presence made her shed her 'angry and tough girl image'. She started dressing up in a salwar kameez every once in a while(though she was extremely uncomfortable in it and cursed herself from within sometimes).He told her things that she never heard and made her believe that even she was beautiful and prettier than she had thought(how can girls fall for that crap?). They were two imperfect individuals who were perfect for each other. She was in the happiest phase of her life.The rebel who was stubborn was now a tame animal for him. She did not mind changing herself for him (and she did that out of her own will!). She started thinking about how could she improve herself that would mak him happy(she never did that to even please her teachers or parents or friends).

But then, the typical male aura overcaptured his senses and it was realization time for him. Suddenly something wrong happened with him- was it the fear, the insecurity or the fact that he did not find her important or interesting anymore that made him act in a strange manner? I would like to believe it was the male ego that overpowered his senses. He started ignoring her for reasons best known to him. He did not even care to give an explanation and she feared to demand one(fear???? the word did not even appear in her dictionary once!). She kept coaxing herself that all would be fine(inspired by the infamous 'all is well' dialogue, blame it to the hindi movies!). She kept messaging him, hoping that he would reply back- though deep inside she knew it and we all know it too- he did not reply back(male chauvinistic pig!).

Now, all she was left with was- the new girly wardrobe that she had got just to impress him and make him fall deeply, madly truly in love with her(Love- the word she once hated and dreaded as if it was more dangerous than herpes). She still laughed her jolly best in an attempt to hide her grief, sorrow and pain. She dreaded being alone for, being alone meant thinking about the times they shared and that would make her weep. She started hating weekends as all she had to do on weekends was eat, stare at the screen of her computer and secretly wish he would call(though he never did).

And now she fears going back to her past self- dark, rigid and strong(in short - pretentious) because if she returns this time,she would never come back again not for him , not for anybody.

Is it too difficult to understand that she is a normal girl with normal feelings(feelings it is!)? She too likes to be treated, she too loves roses and orchids(though she claims otherwise). All she is craving for is care, love, to cuddle up with her man when she wakes up in the morning, arms that wrap around her, a kiss on her forehead that confirms' I am there for you' and she is ready to give in all that it takes to make a relationship work.

Her heart aches when she sees other couples walking hand in hand, exchanging sweet nothings.
Kudos to the guy who had the potential, the strength and the heart to break this strong and confident girl into pieces, to first make her go weak in her knees and then leave her confused and weak hearted. He has transormed her- from "an Extrovert Loner" to a "Loner"..........